Sara E. Teller
The word “narcissism” is commonly thrown around. Most people would know what a person is talking about if you toss that word into conversation, but it’s not typically used in a clinical sense. More often, it’s used casually, perhaps to describe someone who spends a little bit too much time in front of the mirror before leaving the house.
Beyond the casual usage of the term, there is also the very serious, clinical application of the word. As a mental health condition, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can have a destructive impact on those in the person’s intimate circle. Specifically, narcissistic victim syndrome (NVS) is something that may be experienced by those who are on the receiving end of ongoing narcissistic abuse. While not a clinical condition in the DSM, NVS has become popular in recent years as more awareness is drawn around the impact of NPD.
Knowing how to identify the symptoms of NVS may be the first step toward getting life back on track and working to alleviate the symptoms.
The ‘Love Bombing’ Stage
Before arriving at the point of facing narcissistic victim syndrome, it’s common for a relationship to start out with powerful, over-the-top affection. This is tactic used by a narcissist to develop a relationship that seems too good to be true from the perspective of their partner.
The tactics used in the initial ideation stage is called “love bombing” because of the over-aggressive nature of the effort on the part of the narcissist. At first, there will be endless streams of flowers, gifts, compliments, and much more – it can seem like the perfect opportunity to build a lasting connection with a loving person.
A Gradual Shift
In most cases, the changeover toward more narcissistic behavior happens gradually and subtly rather than all at once. This can take many different forms, but the victim might start to notice that the affection has faded, and more and more criticisms or complaints have entered the picture. At this point, manipulation intensifies, and many of the other signs of narcissistic abuse will start to appear.
What do those signs look like? They will vary, of course, but the list below highlights some of the most common red flags:
- Gaslighting. This is a classic issue with narcissists, as they will deflect any criticism and attempt to turn it around on the victim. So, if the victim brings up a legitimate concern about something that happened in the relationship, the abuser may attempt to turn it around and allege that the victim is really the one who is in the wrong.
- Nitpicking shortcomings. When dealing with a narcissistic abuser, a victim may find that everything they say or do is met with rejection. Again, this is something that might start off relatively minor and even normal, only to escalate over time until it becomes a real source of frustration and emotional distress.
- Accusations. As an escalation of nitpicking behavior, the narcissist may wind up accusing the victim of doing things to harm the relationship like cheating with someone else. These are typically baseless accusations that are created in order to put the victim on the defensive and deflect any negative attention or blame.
These three points are far from a comprehensive review of the ways a narcissist can become emotionally abusive in a relationship, but they do highlight the general way these issues can develop in what once seemed like a promising connection.
Looking Inward
When “successful,” a narcissist will manage to turn a victim inward, causing that individual to think that he or she may actually be to blame for the situation and the state of the relationship. This is wrong, of course, and it was the whole point of their game in the first place. When someone feels like they didn’t do anything wrong, but they are still blaming themselves for what is going on, it’s possible – or even likely – that narcissistic victim syndrome has set in.
Feeling Alone
This is sadly a common experience for those who suffer narcissistic abuse. Some of the behaviors of the narcissist may manage to isolate the victim from friends and family, leaving them feeling like their only option to avoid being alone is to turn back to the abuser – who is the cause. It’s this type of cycle that can keep people in relationships for long periods of time even when they know, on some level, that they would be better off leaving the relationship and moving on.
Whether you are concerned about yourself or a friend or family member, it’s helpful to understand what narcissistic victim syndrome can look like in the real world. Meeting with a licensed professional could be an appropriate next step.
Break the silence, break the cycle.