The concept of grief is often associated with a sense of loss. To grieve is a way to work through circumstances emotionally and mourn what is gone, and it can follow the absence of just about anything once held dear. We can grieve the loss of a loved one, the sudden loss of a home or job, or a loss of control, independence, or self-worth.
When an intimate partner relationship is deemed “lost” for good – either because there is no longer any intimacy or close connection, or because of abuse, addiction, or a whole host of other factors – grief can kick in. This can begin while still in the same house or once officially separated. When an individual will begin the grieving process and how it will play out has to do with one’s self-identity (including one’s morals and values system) and can vary drastically from person to person.
Grief can also begin to envelope other factors beyond the immediate that have triggered it to take effect, including past traumatic circumstances or inherent factors of one’s life. Thus, if a marriage ends in divorce because of abuse and an ex-partner begins to grief the loss of independence and self-control that lingers as a result, the feelings can intensify if a significant loss in childhood is also suddenly recalled. Or, if another loss occurs in the present, such as the sudden termination of a job, this can also increase negative symptoms.
Disenfranchised grief commonly occurs in abuse victims because they feel as if they cannot constructively talk about what they’re going through or have experienced. This is common for individuals who are stuck in a detrimental situation and have been taught as part of their culture or identity not to express sadness and other associated symptoms. It can occur in individuals who already feel disenfranchised, marginalized, or discriminated against. These feelings deepen the sense of aloneness, isolation, and disconnection from the outside world.
Grief can take many forms. One griever might become clinically depressed, disconnect, and appear as if he or she has completely given up on life. Another might engage in reckless or self-destructive behavior. Yet another might seem happier than ever before but inwardly be very disillusioned and simply expressing this with an “I don’t care” or “screw it, I deserve happiness” attitude. Grief can also include noticeable anger, irritability, sadness, frustration, hostility, selfishness, conceitedness, charm, allure, or many, many other emotions or behaviors. This is why one person might never leave the house after a traumatic event while another might start vacationing and partying immediately.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, as long as it does not become self-destructive. The important thing is to do it. Suppressing or running from emotions or choosing to live in denial is unhealthy. Some individuals even suffer from dissociative amnesia, which is a self-defense mechanism in which one selectively does not recall things that are especially traumatic. This can be diagnosed and treated in therapy. It is natural to feel – something that is all too often forgotten. And, one must go through the grieving process and move towards acceptance in order to realize sustainable healing.