Let’s talk about leaving — deciding you’re really going to do it. You’re going to pack your bags, say sayonara to your captor. It’s been real, but see ya later. Simple, right? Not so much. Not at all, really. Leaving a narcissist is perhaps the toughest thing you will ever have to do. Don’t expect it to be clean and easy. It won’t be. But, it will be far less messy if you educate yourself before you decide to hit the road.
The best way to leave a narcissist is to come up with a well-thought-out plan of escape and make sure everything is in place, to the best of your ability, before taking action. Now, in a perfect world, perfection is possible. But, in reality, your escape will not go perfectly as planned. You will be lucky if it goes half as well. However, planning is still essential. And you must make a plan beforehand.
The other half of the equation, which will help tremendously is what you do after you leave. In order to be effective, you must stay gone. And, you must go entirely no contact with the narcissist if possible. If you are married to a narcissistic mate and have minor children, this will not be an easy feat. In fact, it will likely be impossible. But, limiting communication as much as you can is not only important, but critical. You will have to deal with court proceedings, and will need to take particular care with regard to how you leave your spouse and how you handle yourself throughout the process. For instance, though tempting, you can’t just disappear with the kids and never return. While you may see this as a heroic act, the legal system identifies this as kidnapping. Obtain legal representation, confide in an experienced family law attorney about what you and your children are truly going through, and work closely with this individual step by step until you can complete the separation — at least on paper.
The most important thing to remember is that the narcissist will want to perform a discard. Will need to. And, he will do anything and everything possible to get you to fall for it — to come back just long enough to be annihilated. If you fall into his trap, things will only get worse. So, it’s essential you remember at this time more than ever before who this individual is behind the false facade. He will pull out all the stops, particularly since the narcissist knows why you are leaving. He knows! He’s been exposed, and his ego is bruised. He knows he will have to up his game and be extra tricky to convince you to return.
If you have minor children and you return, even just for a day, forget about full custody. The narcissist will do anything he can to make you look like a terrible parent. You are a avid substance user. You physically harm them. You neglect them. Whatever it takes. And, the narcissist is a very skilled actor. You know this more than anyone. He is extremely convincing. Don’t think for one second he can’t fool the court. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
Saying goodbye to an abuser not only takes planning, it takes courage. Courage and strength. Trust your instincts and remember you know the narcissist more than your family and friends do. If they are willing to help, wonderful! But, stay on your toes and trust your own internal compass and decision-making more than the advice of others. Expect for him to reach out to your loved ones. Expect for him to fault you for the break-up. And, expect others, even those closest to you, to second-guess your perspective after talking to this master manipulator. But, stay strong. Get out and stay out! Prayers and blessings, always.