Let’s really home in on those early red flags of pathological narcissism. You have probably heard a lot of “should haves” and “would haves” when it comes to identifying narcissism, but, while this information can be enlightening, it won’t necessary help you if you are just stepping into a new relationship and questioning your partner’s personality is, well, just off. If you are Google searching behaviors and traits right now, even without any familiarity with the term ‘narcissism’ itself, here are some notable warning signs.
In general, a narcissist is a person who lacks empathy, and is grandiose, entitled, superficial, emotionally dysregulated, and hypersensitive to criticism. They tend to keep company with others who will elevate their self-worth and public image. They also tend to be very insecure and jealous and love to gaslight their victims in order to project these traits. Narcissists gain supply via the misery of others. In essence, making someone visibly distraught turns the attention away from the narcissist’s internal shame and makes them feel superior to the person they’re belittling.
Are you seeing these characteristics in your new partner? Have you tried to tell them they don’t appreciate the negative comments they’re dishing out only to be met with a statement such as, ‘You have no right to feel that way.’? or ‘I never said that’ or ‘You took that the wrong way.’? Narcissists deny the reality of others when they’re being called out, and gaslighting leaves the victim second-guessing their perception of any given situation. If you feel like you’re reviewing conversations or confrontations over and over again in your head after the fact, you may be in a relationship with a skilled narcissist.
One of the biggest red flags that often presents early on in a relationship is when you start to feel the need to actually record your arguments in order be able to replay them and dissect the details, trying to figure out where you went wrong. Gaslighting is confusing – and this is the point. It can be mind-numbing to review what hurt you and figure out why it did, especially after the narcissist twists your words in such a way it seems you were being mean or unfair (and, thus, feel guilty about it). Once you feel you need to have physical evidence of any kind against your partner, it’s probably time to get out.
On a personal note, this hits home. Very early on in my relationship with a pathological narcissist, I did this in a more rudimentary way. Knowing I couldn’t record my thoughts at home, I stapled a stack of paper together and kept it in my desk drawer at work. I would journal my recollection of our arguments from the day before just to visualize where the disconnect might lye between what happened and what could have been changed. I also remember Googling personality traits that just seemed ‘off,’ landing on borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. All of this was done outside of the home so I could complete my research undetected. In the end, unfortunately, I determined it was me that was ‘broken’ and needed to change to keep my partner happy, and I would keep this mindset for years, until it totally consumed me.
Another red flag is that you just don’t feel heard or seen. In normal relationships, partners effortlessly provide each other with attention, affection and genuine support. They show their feelings for each other through their actions (not just words) and do it because they want to. To a narcissist, though, this is too much work. And that’s precisely why the ‘love bombing’ stage doesn’t last. The same can be said of situations in which the victim becomes ill and can’t present to the world that perfect image a narcissist relies on to maintain the false façade. Often, victims who become chronically ill are thrown aside in favor of new supply. The narcissist is ashamed and no longer feels in control while being forced to face his or her internal shame.
Don’t let fairytales and Disney movies fool you. It’s not possible to change your narcissistic partner by simply loving them more or being the best version of yourself. You cannot change a narcissist. This is so important to remember. No matter how much love you give, you will always be under appreciated and the narcissist will continue engaging in the same toxic behaviors. It is the narcissist him(her)self that needs to recognize a need for change and follow through.
Too many victims stay in relationships with pathological narcissists much longer than they should based on pie-in-the-sky thinking that their partners will one day change. This is a fantasy – it’s not realistic. You may think the narcissist needs to change, but the key point to remember is – they won’t. Your efforts will not resonant. The narcissist may appear to change for a minute, but as soon as there is some significant stressor, any perceived growth will be retracted, and things will fall apart again. What you see is what you get. Narcissists are really that surface level.
Even if you’re partner is not a true narcissist, if some of these early red flags are present, chances are you’re in a toxic relationship and it’s time to get out. If you choose to stay, you’ll have to manage your expectations for the relationship. This type of partner is not able to self-regulate. Ask yourself this question: Are you willing to sacrifice true happiness and take on more of a moderator role, day in and day out, just trying to keep the peace?