One of the biggest red flags often presents early on in a relationship with a narcissist and that is when you start to feel the need to actually record your arguments in order be able to replay them and dissect the details, trying to figure out where you went wrong. Gaslighting is confusing – and this is the point. It can be mind-numbing to review what hurt you and figure out why it did, especially after the narcissist twists your words in such a way that it seems you were being mean or unfair. Once you feel you need to have physical evidence of any kind against your partner, it’s probably time to get out.
Victims who don’t know they’re victims yet oftentimes record their relationship in a way that they can remember the details of confrontations and begin searching for answers, or have proof that their partner was abusive should they one day get the courage to leave. Either through photographs, journal writing, verbal expression to a third-party or through other means, aspects of the partnership are documented for future analysis.
It is not healthy to feel the need to do this. Taking photos to capture memories and journaling about your feelings can be healthy, yes, but not to either hold something against the partner or to determine what needs to change. (Which brings up another important point – you cannot change a narcissist.) No matter how much documentation you gather and how much research you do, how drastically you try to change your behaviors to please this partner, your efforts will be futile.
It is a hopeless effort to try to figure out communicative patterns with narcissists to find ways to help them change, too. Don’t let fairytales and Disney movies fool you. It’s not possible to ‘fix’ your partner by simply loving them more or being the best version of yourself. No matter how much love you give, you will always be under-appreciated and the narcissist will continue engaging in the same toxic patterns.
If you document to have evidence, this is a dangerous game and you should make immediate plans to get out. You’ll run the risk of your partner discovering what you’re doing, which can very well impact your health and well-being. If you’re planning to get out, be very careful, but do so as soon as you can.
If you’ve reached the point of wanting to document, take a step back and ask yourself why you think this is necessary, particularly if you do not have an escape plan in mind. Above all, this is indicative of the relationship taking a clear turn for the worse and it’s likely time to reevaluate whether you want it to continue.