A narcissist is a person who lacks empathy, and is grandiose, entitled, superficial, emotionally dysregulated, and hypersensitive to criticism. They tend to keep company with others who will elevate their self-worth and public image. They also tend to be very insecure and jealous and love to gaslight their victims. Narcissists gain supply via the misery of others. In essence, making someone visibly distraught turns the attention away from the narcissist’s internal shame and makes them feel superior to the person they’re belittling.
To better understand why the narcissist loves to induce misery through gaslighting, you have to go all way back to the very beginning. Parental figures play a major role in the development of narcissism, and they can do so knowingly or unknowingly. Generally speaking, pathological traits will develop if the child is over-indulged when it comes to maintaining his or her public persona and under-indulged in other areas. For example, a father might coach the child’s baseball team and be extremely proud when he brings home a trophy. At the same time, the father can’t be bothered to play a board game or build a model car. Now, if the child asks to throw a ball around at home, this is a different story. Practicing with him will only amplify his abilities and, thus, solidify his public image as a strong player. The parent over-indulges aspects of the child’s public appearance while simultaneously under-indulging his emotional needs.
Because this is the environment in which many narcissists are raised, they were taught that the public’s perception of their worth is everything. At the same time, they feel a deep sense of shame because they know this image is fragile and things are much different behind closed doors. This deep-seated shame is what leads the narcissist to take pleasure in shaming others. He is always looking for those soft spots to poke to make the victim fall apart. In doing so, the narcissist feels they’re not the only ones who are fragile and capable of crumbling with the slightest critique. It’s a welcome relief from the constant stress and pressure the narcissist places himself under.
Gaslighting allows this person to assert control and, thus, maintain superficial feelings of importance and superiority. If the narcissist can continue to feel ‘untouchable,’ theoretically, nothing can hurt him. So, if you’re calling this person out on something they’ve done that is shameful, the easiest way to deflect this shame is by redirecting it externally. Placing icky feelings onto you ensures the narcissist no longer has to be burdened.
Emotional abuse is the narcissist’s most reliable weapon. It’s a surefire way to avoid injury. If you are in a toxic partnership with a pathological narc, expect gaslighting to occur on a daily basis. And, if you are constantly replaying confrontations to check your own sanity, it’s probably time to leave.