Step One – Rediscovering Yourself
This is the toughest step, and therefore, the necessary first. After having lost yourself to a toxicrelationship for so long, you’ve reprogrammed yourself to fulfill your partner’s needs. More accurately, your partner worked hard to reprogram you, and eventually, you subsided to this at a subconscious level. You may have also taken up mindless responsibilities in order to fill a deep-seated void inside, a piece once present that the narcissist has taken from you. So, for instance, you may have taken up all of the house cleaning or cooking, shopping, walking the dog, all in an effort to avoid turning to the empty feeling inside. In some cases, victims become addicts in order to escape this same feeling.
Rediscovering who you were prior to the relationship is the first step in regaining a healthy sense of self. (Note, if you have developed an addiction, you will need to first enter a twelve-step recovery program and master all twelve steps. This post assumes that you have done so, have mapped out an adequate fourth step, and are working the program.) To begin, try making a list of all of your interests, or all of your “favorites”. This list can be fairly short, or rather extensive. It’s completely up to you. You may use the following as a guide:
What is your favorite past-time?
Where is your favorite place to visit?
What is your favorite school subject?
What’s your favorite book?
Who is your favorite author?
What is your favorite television show?
What is your favorite movie?
Who is your favorite person to spend time with?
What accomplishments are you most proud of?
What do you believe you excel in?
What is your greatest talent?
Who do you look up to?
If you had the entire weekend free, what would you do?
Once you’ve completed this step, take some time to review and absorb your responses and rejoice in the complex, unique, beautiful person you are. Try to think of reasons you like the things you do, the origins of your hobbies or talents. Note this, if you’d like, if reflecting brings back positive memories of life before narcissistic abuse. This step is not a “one and done”. As you move through the rest of your journey, revisit this one often. It serves as a reference for who you truly are and the person you are re-becoming. Tweak it as often as is needed, and enjoy the self-discovery along the way. When you’re ready, move on to Step Two – Setting Goals…