What will always get me about narcissists is all of the time and energy they put toward being sneaky and manipulative. If a narcissist only used half of his resources toward more worthy causes, the world would, no doubt, be a better place.
The sadistic game the narcissist plays is much like an addiction. There is so much energy put toward how one is going to get the next fix, how long the supply will last, what excuse he or she will use to pursue a new fix – hiding, lying, manipulating. Narcissists are true conmen.
If they only took the time to actually work on themselves instead of having to project a false self to their audience, perhaps the deep-seated self-hate would dissolve and lead to positive internal change. Much like Ebenezer Scrooge, the narcissist would see the error of his ways and embark on a total life transformation. Individuals would genuinely be drawn to him rather than having to pretend to be. And, all would be well.
Ah, in a perfect world…
Another trait of narcissists that is fascinating is how naïve they truly are. They spend an awful lot of time trying to convince anyone who will listen that they are intelligent, business savvy and influential. They know everything, can do everything, can be anything. They seem to miss normal social cues which indicate they have been “found out”. They seem to be oblivious to the fact that their words are not fooling anyone.
For instance, despite an audience nodding off to an entirely too long, drawn out story about how the narcissist secured his latest business deal, he will continue to speak. Despite a sigh and roll of the eyes of someone who is exhausted after listening to a narcissist drone on about his latest high-level promotion, last expensive purchase, or greatest accomplishment, the narcissist seemingly believes that he is still engaging, totally oblivious to their boredom.
These traits actually go hand-in-hand – a product of an extremely insecure individual who has spent his entire life not only having to convince everyone around him that he is “okay”, but, more importantly, having to convince himself. Truth be told, the narcissist needs to flaunt any good in his life in a desperate attempt to mask the bad and feel okay with who he is. There is so much bad beneath the surface that he constantly feels the need to seek approval or, otherwise, will be left to wallow in a state of self-pity. And, this is impermissible.
When an individual gets the courage to bluntly tell the narcissist his mask has fallen off and walk away once and for all, especially amid a crowd, this is the ultimate insult. It’s one thing to roll your eyes or close them as the narcissist raves about his achievements. It’s another to confront him. The narcissist cannot live with the shame of having to come to terms with who and what he is. To do so would be devastating.
This is why the best thing to do is simply avoid confrontation altogether and walk away. One must accept there is no “winning” when it comes to engaging a narcissist. This individual is incapable of changing. Regardless of what is said, there will be no epiphany that causes the narcissist to “wake up”. He will never accept that we can see him hiding behind his lofty stories.
Going no contact with a narcissist can be extremely freeing, like a huge weight has been lifted from one’s shoulders. Those who’ve escaped often feel as if they are seeing themselves and the world around them for the first time. Everything is fresh, a blank slate ready for painting. Suddenly, doors open where there were only walls before. Happiness and peace are finally attainable. Accepting that the narcissist will forever be imprisoned by shame and releasing oneself from narcissistic entrapment is the first step toward healing.