Those who have experienced narcissistic abuse and were lucky enough to escape physically will likely remain trapped mentally and emotionally for a significant length of time following the relationship. I have heard it takes half the amount of time spent in a relationship to get over an ex once you’re out. I don’t necessarily agree with this formula – okay, I think it’s crap. I broke up with the love of my life and reconnected thirteen years later. I never got over him.
However, one should consider a similar timeframe for moving forward from abuse. Just because we’ve disconnected from our captor doesn’t mean our state of mind and emotional well-being will automatically heal and enable us to move forward into a new, fulfilling partnership. In fact, it may take years to come to terms with the detrimental circumstances from which we’ve escaped. And, it takes a significant amount of determination and active willingness to effectively move on.
First, those who have been trapped, devalued and discarded by narcissists must accept the role they played in the partnership. When we’ve escaped such a damaging situation it’s, of course, easier to blame all of the trauma on the abuser while maintaining our role was simply passive and obliging. Many survivors, however, played a more active role in encouraging the abuse whether consciously or subconsciously, and whether they like it or not, by staying much longer than they internally knew they should.
Those of us with codependent tendencies are just as addicted to narcissists as they are to us and to the narcissistic game they play. We crave the challenge of serving the narcissist to a point that this individual will realize we’re different from everyone else they were previously with. We can serve them unlike anyone else in the past. And, we know this to be true despite every red flag waved. We blindly continue our quest despite an internal intuition, a self-moderating instinct, telling us that we need to leave.
Acceptance is tough. Maybe the toughest thing victims will ever have to face. But, we must accept before we can move forward because acceptance allows us to acknowledge that at some point along the way we lost our sense of independence and became a puppet to the sadistic game. Once we acknowledge this, we can try to pinpoint when exactly this occurred. And, if we can pinpoint when it did, we will not only be able to reconnect to the self that was lost, but we may be able to prevent it from happening again. We need to develop a clearer picture of who we were prior to the relationship, who we became and why it happened in order to avoid repeating the cycle.
Meet Mary
For instance, let’s say Mary is married (ah, a play on words!) to Jake. They’ve been married for a year now, and they were only together for about six months prior to walking down the aisle. This is “normal” for narcissistic relationships. Every day since Jake came into Mary’s life, he’s asked her to rub his feet. At first, she refused. Disgusting! But, that refusal led to an explosive argument about how Jake just knew Mary was too good for him from the moment they met and perhaps he should be spending time with someone else who will accept this neediness.
Mary felt incredibly bad for letting Jake down after the argument and assured him he is not beneath her. She, in fact, just knew how extremely lucky she was to find someone like Jake, and she believes this to the core. Wealthy, successful, good-looking – Jake is truly every woman’s dream.
Mary vowed to never again refuse her mate’s request for a foot rub and by the time they wed, they had made it a nightly routine to sit beside each other on the sofa, enjoying evening re-runs while Mary instinctively rubbed Jake’s feet. Fulfilling this simple vow makes Mary feel good, and Jake, of course, doesn’t complain.
But, soon things take a turn for the worse. Mary finds herself giving up more and more to cater to her husband’s needs. And, he begins to be physically abusive as well. Eventually, she realizes she has been trapped and victimized by a narcissistic partner, and she must escape.
When did Mary lose her sense of self and transition to mindlessly catering to Jake? If she is lucky enough to leave, she will have to allow herself to recall the initial argument about rubbing his feet, how she felt, and what her life became soon after. Doing so may hurt – a lot. It will likely stir up feelings of shame and foolishness, at least initially. But, as Mary reclaims the sense of self lost amid narcissistic abuse and the morals she held prior to becoming a target in Jake’s manipulative game, she will grow stronger and less apt to fall for this type of abuse again. Even though the circumstances seem arbitrary, this is typically how narcissistic abuse starts, and as victims become more and more willing to give up bits and pieces of self, it only gets worse.
After escaping the clutches of a narcissist, it is essential that a victim take the time to heal – however long that takes. We must rediscover who we are before we can genuinely enter into another relationship.