Narcissists don’t really love themselves, even though they do a good job of projecting self-love to the rest of the world. Instead of being driven by confidence, they act the way they do due to deep-seated internal shame. The self they project to others is an idealized version of their true identity. It’s the person they wish they could be and attempt endlessly to convince themselves they are. Something within the narcissist tells him or her that if others view them as perfect, this reassurance is enough (at least temporarily). And, in order to make the outside world believe this fallacy, those behind closed doors become victims of narcissistic abuse.
The undeniable gaps between this false façade and the narcissist’s true self are inescapable and cracks will begin to appear in time, first to those in the narcissist’s immediate space, then, eventually, to outsiders. Try as he might, the narcissist can never seem to rid himself of that pesky shame within. He will do everything possible to suppress the sense of utter worthlessness and will seek to destroy anyone who “sees through him” and calls out the shame.
While a relationship with a narcissist is typically nothing more than smoke and mirrors which will eventually see itself through three stages – idealize, devalue, discard – the lengths of each of these stages varies as does the timeframe in which a victim will realize she is being abused. This is largely because each individual is different, and hence, each relationship is different despite some generally recognized commonalities and typical indicators of narcissistic abuse.
Here are some examples of this type of narcissistic abuse, which can be emotional, mental, financial, sexual, spiritual, and/or physical. It’s important to be able to identify these tactics as abusive and exit the relationship as soon as possible.
Common Tactics of Abusers
Verbal Abuse: This includes name-calling, shaming, teasing, bullying, threatening, issuing ultimatums, accusing, and bullying, among others. It’s important to note, however, that everyone has the right to establish healthy boundaries with partners. It’s highly likely that confrontations will occasionally occur, especially in close, intimate relationships, and these tactics will be used in some form. The frequency and context should be assessed before labeling anyone as verbally abusive.
Manipulation/Lying: Convincing an individual to behave in ways that is beneficial to the abuser is referred to as manipulation or covert aggression. Manipulation is typically not blatantly obvious, so this is a powerfully tool for abusers. Narcissists are also, by nature, pathological liars. They will do or say anything to hide their internal shame and project perfection.
Gaslighting: Narcissists love to make victims second-guess their perceptions of reality. When one cannot trust their own judgment, they become dependent. Thus, this method allows the narcissist to wear a victim down to total dependency.
Destruction/Sabotage: This is disruptive and intentional interference with a victim’s hobbies, activities or relationships for the purpose of seeking revenge or to make the victim utterly dependent. Narcissists tend to want to destroy any good in a victim’s life – misery loves company.
Withholding/Neglect: This is when the narcissist purposely takes away things a victim may desire, or actually need to live independently, such as finances, affection, or open communication, in order to force her into a submissive position.
Physical Abuse/Violence: This include anything from pushing or pulling your hair, to punching you in the gut. No matter the level of harm, any physical altercation can be considered abusive.
Financial Abuse: Financial abuse includes withholding funds, insisting on controlling everything budget-related, or extortion of a victim’s finances by gambling, racking up debt, or spontaneously selling personal property without permission. The narcissist intends to make his victim completely financially dependent, and if not immediately compliant, will attempt to ruin this person financially. This is also an extremely common tactic for narcissists to use in divorce proceedings to force a victim to stop fighting (i.e., for child custody or property).
Isolation: Narcissists love to isolate their victims from friends, family, or any access to outside support through a combination of any of the above tactics. The purpose is to ensure she cannot easily escape. Should a victim realize she is being abused, it is important to reconnect with a strong support system before attempting to exit.
These are just some of the ways in which a narcissist will attempt to mask his shame and project perfection while ensuring his victim is utterly dependent on him. Knowledge is power. If you or anyone you know is a victim of narcissistic abuse, don’t hesitate – seek safety and call for help.
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