We know that the narcissist will project her faults onto us in order to not carry their burden. This is specifically termed narcissistic projection. In doing so, that person usually effectively achieves what he or she has set out to do. We begin to own the faults of this person in addition to those we already harbor. Humans are imperfect beings by nature. No matter how perfect the narcissist strives to be, she will not be able to always hide her imperfections. Narcissists may be able to fool many, but they usually end up causing their own undoing. In striving so hard to maintain perfection, the narcissist does not allow any room for failure. So, when life inevitably creates stumbling blocks, instead of owning these and effectively dealing with difficulties, the narcissist will “freak out” and automatically unload them unto another. The person who is inadvertently made to carry the weight, then, even if he or she chooses to comply, knows the narcissist is imperfect. And, ultimately, our creator knows this person is imperfect. Job 9:20 says “Though I am righteous, my mouth will condemn me. Though I am guiltless, He will declare me guilty”. Ecclesiastes 7:20 echoes “Indeed, there is not a righteous man on earth who continually does good and who never sins.” No matter how much the narcissist tries to hide behind her false facade, cracks will eventually surface.
However, instead of coming to terms with the fact that karma will catch up to everyone, and disabling the narcissist’s imperfections from causing us undue stress, we tend to hone in on the abuser’s wrongdoings and become resentful. And, the more we try to control his actions, or the perception of others regarding his actions, which we try to mitigate, the more out of control our reaction becomes. We start to divert focus to the narcissist rather than on our own imperfections and, in doing so, don’t allow room for the self-reflection necessary to heal and grow. Letting go of resentment and of the narcissist’s projected misdoings will help us to refocus our energy on what we need to do to improve internally, and will help to facilitate the healing necessary to move into a more contented space. Acceptance is key, and practicing the twelve step acceptance prayer can prove useful:
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation —
Some fact of my life — unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”
Shifting one’s energy to focus on the positive is a conscious choice we are all able to make. Accepting what we cannot change, checking in with ourselves and underlying reasons for any discontentment — being truly honest with ourselves — is the first step on the journey toward release and effective self-improvement.