Narcissists love the holidays. But, not for the same reasons we do. Of course, they love to get gifts and surround themselves with others so they can bask in the spotlight. But, they also enjoy the holidays because these occasions give narcissists the perfect excuse to up the hoovering.
Many feel a little different around the end of the year, as Christmas draws near and a new year is upon us. With all of the hustle and bustle, celebrations and festivities, it’s natural to get into the holiday spirit and feel more carefree and joyous.
For discarded narcissists, this can be especially difficult to witness. It tears them up to see past mates rejoicing without them. Instead of jumping in and filling themselves with holiday cheer, they often become more determined than ever to destroy the happiness of their once-victims who’ve managed to escape.
The purpose of holiday hoovering is two-fold. The narcissist wants to reassure himself that he is needed, thought of and appreciated, even if a relationship has been completely dissolved. And, once receiving this assurance, he’ll want to remind the victim that it is impossible to be happy without him.
Some common holiday hoovering tactics include texting or calling a once-victim and asking if help is needed with organizing holiday events, or with last minute Christmas shopping. The narcissist may also seek attention with a woe-is-me story about being alone or losing someone close or simply by reminding the victim of what’s been lost between them. Any reasonable person would feel empathy toward another or be filled with guilt upon hearing these tales, and this is the narcissist’s goal.
Of course, as is the case any other time of the year, holiday hoovering tactics are meant to draw the victim back in long enough to give the narcissist supply and reaffirm total control. He wants to make sure the individual not only still needs him, longs for him, or at the very least, remembers the good between them, but that the victim is convinced the holidays will never be complete again.
Narcissists will hoover whether or not they have entered into a new relationship and despite the possibility of being entirely surrounded by new groups of friends or family members or otherwise given every opportunity to move on and find happiness. The narcissist could be remarried, have a new family, a new residence or job, have everything that would offer the possibility of contentment and still be discontented unless he can successfully manipulate this previous mate.
What’s most alarming is that hoovering can last a lifetime even after a relationship with a narcissistic partner has dissolved and has been dissolved for a significant amount of time. Part of the control the narcissist exerts over the once-victim is attempting to ensure she never knows when the hoovering will pick up again, when her captor will reappear.
It’s safe to assume hoovering is a life-long side effect of a narcissistic relationship. However, the narcissist cannot take away from our happiness if we become unwilling to accept this fate. Going no contact with a previous mate hell-bent on continuing to hoover is vital, yet sometimes this is easier said than done.
Surrounding oneself with a loving network of people, especially during Christmas-time, and engaging in healthy social activities is important. Keeping our minds busy with holiday projects – cooking, baking, wrapping and giving gifts – is also helpful.
Above all, the best response we can give is no response at all. By not allowing the narcissist to draw us back in and ignoring these attempts, we are sending the message that enough is enough, we see you, and, try as you might, you cannot destroy us.
Break the silence, break the cycle.
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