Narcissists love attention. They live for it. Whether the narcissist received too much or not enough in childhood, a switch was flipped early on and the narcissist realized it felt good to be in the limelight. This will never change. Because of this constant need to be front and center, attempting to share space with a narcissist is a miserable and exhausting venture. Those who try are backed into corners by their jealous mates, left forgotten and forced to retreat whenever anyone takes notice.
The narcissist likely refrained from shedding his mask and showing his true colors early on in the relationship. So, when idealize switches suddenly to devalue, there can be a period of momentary confusion and a desperate attempt to salvage the better parts of the pairing. This attempt is fleeting, because a victim will eventually realize those parts are gone, maybe never even existed, and the true intentions of the narcissist are revealed – to be served, elevated and adored. The victim was never any more than arm candy.
Typically, victims of narcissists are attractive, intelligent, successful people who just so happen to harbor co-dependent tendencies. They are very deserving of attention, in their own right, but they are overly empathetic and shy away from recognition. While their positive qualities are initially praised by the narcissist, eventually, when the false façade starts to fade, they are demeaned and their vulnerabilities are thrust forward and given attention instead. This enables the narcissist to secure a position of power and maintain control.
An Impossible Feat
It is a daring and difficult dance to capture the attention of an individual with many positive qualities, con them into exposing underlying faults and vulnerabilities, then take these imperfections and use them as leverage to suppress the victim and elevate one’s own status. Daring and difficult to most – second nature to narcissists.
The ease at which a narcissist employs this sudden change demands applause – at least according to the narc. After all, victims often believe their partner actually appreciates their traits, both good and bad, only to have an ah-ha moment after it’s far too late.
It’s difficult to say what’s more hurtful – realizing the narcissist was never who you thought he was, or realizing he never cared who you are. Once the devalue stage is well underway, a victim believes it’s impossible to escape. Sometimes, the thought doesn’t even cross their mind – it’s easier to stay, and after all, they can’t be trusted to make important decisions by themselves, anyway. The narcissist knows best.
Suddenly, a unique and beautiful person is made to believe they are worthless and incompetent. Any affirmations regarding their positive traits are blindly disregarded and they see only the twisted reality the narcissist has created.
Escaping Abuse
No amount of convincing or outside intervention can make an individual leave. They must see the narcissist for who he or she truly is and believe the only way to regain their sanity and livelihood is to let go. They must change themselves and their circumstances, and the strength to do so has to come from within. They must be willing to take off the blinders and dig deep in a quest to remember who they were prior to the sadistic relationship. From there, they need to be physically, mentally and emotionally strong enough to escape, which is extremely difficult under a narcissistic wrath.
Victims usually feel that something is off with their connection to the narcissist, and yet, through gaslighting and other manipulative tactics, it is very difficult for them to acknowledge the fact that their mates are the ones to blame. Instead, they blame themselves, and they actually feel thankful for the narcissist’s willingness to stay with them in their brokenness. They are the ones who need to change. They thank the narcissist even though he or she is repeatedly pointing out and ridiculing them for their imperfections. They believe the narcissist loves them even though they are entirely unlovable.
If a victim does begin to realize, through some kind of divine intervention, their partner has a behavioral issue and is determined to reduce them to utter nothingness, he or she will need to take the initiative to rid the toxicity from their lives. While a strong support system is often critical, this needs to be the victim’s decision and the victim is the one who needs to take action.