Hoovering includes a constant need for the narcissist to consume your attention, particularly if you are involved in a situation in which you can easily call him out on lying. He needs to reassure himself that you two are “okay” and you will remain silent no matter what. So, he will go to great lengths to poke and prod, and just generally hang out longer than needed, to make sure he has nothing to worry about. For instance, say you’re in a position where the two of you are meeting with your child’s teacher for PT conferences and it’s a divorce situation. The narcissist, of course, dominates the conversation with stories of his homework helping, different strategies used for study at home, ways he helps the little one cope with stress, things he’s noticed about the child he’s trying to work on, etc. — basically just anything to prove that he is a loving, involved parent. You know, as someone who has shared an intimate space with this individual, he’s lying or exaggerating at best. If any of what he’s saying actually occurred, it only did the night before the said PT conference, because he has to look good. He knows that you know he’s full of it, so he will go above and beyond during and after the meeting to ensure you stay quiet. What the narcissist will never be able to understand is that you’re sitting there for the child, not for yourself or for him. So, obviously, you’re not going to call him a liar. You’re interested in hearing what the teacher has to say about your child. Everything else is ancillary and frivolous. As you’re walking out, he may “reward” you for keeping his secret by sparking conversation, reassuring himself in the process that everything’s okay.
These are the little things that are so hard to explain to anyone who has not had first-hand, intimate experience with a narcissist. They have not had to witness who this person truly is behind closed doors when the fake facade is dropped. Again, if you are in a situation such as this, you are lucky. It means you’ve escaped. And, as long as the child is not endangered, everything is okay. Focus your energy on the child. Focus on the optimistic. And, be thankful for your independence. If you are still dealing with these public displays while in the relationship — the conversation hijacking and pathological lying the narcissist delivers to his audience — prepare your escape plan and summon the strength to get to a place where you no longer have to partake in the game. Best of luck!