It’s tough, no doubt. But, it is possible to move on with your life with minimal residual difficulty after a relationship with a narcissist. Here are a few key steps in the healing process after leaving the relationship:
Go no contact: You must remove the abuser from your life as much as humanly possible. If you have minor children together and there is a custody agreement in place, obviously you will have to communicate from time to time. However, center all of your conversation around important topics involving the children. Do not add lib, do not small talk. Keep all extraneous communication to a minimum. If you’re able to, resist any urge you have to reconnect and stop responding to your abuser if he or she reaches out.
Self-reflect: It is extremely important that you take the necessary time to reflect on the person you were prior to the relationship, within the relationship and in the aftermath. You will need quiet, peaceful moments in order to do so effectively. Do not rush into another relationship. Ensure you feel completely ready before taking this step. Instead, ask yourself what made you happy prior to the abuse and attempt to seek this out again. For instance, if you coached a sports team before entering into your relationship with a narcissist, but were unable to do so amid the chaos, try pursuing this again. Rediscover pieces of yourself that have been lost, so you can better understand your decision-making and avoid repeating the cycle.
Exit your comfort zone: Set goals for yourself, things that if achieved would positively change your life, and go for them, even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a chance. Recite positive affirmations and remember the law of attraction. Newfound success will help to restore lost confidence and motivate you to continue moving forward.
Shift the blame-game: Those who tend to fall for narcissists are natural givers. Sometimes, they are identified as co-dependents or echoers. These are individuals who sacrifice their own well-being for the well-being of others. This may be a natural parental instinct. But, whether or not you are a parent, these traits will often cross-over to other relationships, including spousal connections. Narcissists are inherently attracted to co-dependents, because these individuals will cater to their every need. Co-dependents will naturally gravitate into a subservient role. In order to exit this mentality after you leave and ensure the cycle is not repeated, you will need to actively change the basis for some of your thought processes. Feelings of guilt and insufficiency are normal after letting go of a narcissist. He or she gave you the attention you subconsciously craved, however unhealthy, and it is likely the narcissist has already moved on to new supply, leaving you feeling lonely and asking yourself, What is my purpose? and even, Why couldn’t I just be happy with my spouse? It’s common to feel this way, but it is an unhealthy way to feel. Redirect the blame and realize what this person has done. To make matters more difficult, narcissists tend to abuse this co-dependency and hoover long after the fact. They basically exploit your weaknesses in order to continue receiving supply. Enough is enough. You must be strong and remember, always, the damaging circumstances you left behind. Shift the blame from yourself back to your once-captor and be thankful you were able to escape.
Research and make connections: Talk therapy is essential. Join groups or forums, seek counseling, and connect with individuals who understand what you’ve been through. Knowledge is power — read everything you can. If you feel a certain way and are curious as to why you do, Google search! It’s as simple as that. You’d be surprised how common many of the emotions we feel after leaving a narc truly are. In doing so, you will better understand yourself and allow yourself to continue to heal and grow in the aftermath. Maybe one day you’ll even gather the strength to share your story and help others! We are made stronger when we realize we’re not alone and we can actually help those who haven’t yet gathered the courage to release themselves from the abuse.