Survivors of narcissistic abuse often suffer from Complex PTSD, commonly termed C-PTSD and defined by prolonged, sustained traumatic grief. Symptoms include the manifestations of traditional PTSD at an amplified level, coupled with a subconscious guilt-ridden refusal to reclaim one’s sense of self and inability to enter into healthy, meaningful relationships with others – intimate or otherwise.
Narcissistic abuse survivors and C-PTSD sufferers experience emotional flashbacks, and deep feelings of shame, self-distrust and self-abandonment, as well as harbor an especially harsh inner critic. Because narcissistic abuse survivors were put through constant and continual emotional pain including twisted and backhanded forms of manipulation designed to tear them apart, they tend to continue to believe they are the problem long after the dissolution of the toxic relationship.
Even when going no contact and becoming dedicated to regaining self-worth, survivors find regaining an inner sense of normalcy is extremely difficult and recovery is prolonged. If survivors enter into a new relationship and it fails, for instance, this can cut them to the core, amplifying deep-seated social anxiety and shame and reiterating what their abuser “had known all along.”
This is why it is direly important that C-PTSD sufferers take time to themselves to heal from the inside out. They have complicated and complex trust issues from the abuse that won’t simply disappear because someone new promises to love them. They’ve heard everything before.
Narcissists are seemingly perfect in the initial idealize stage of a relationship – and, that’s precisely what it’s termed the “idealized” stage. They are everything a victim could have wished for and more. Yet, once the victim has fallen for this ruse and is trapped physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially, the narcissist moves ever so seamlessly into stage two – devalue. They take everything fragile they’ve learned about the victim in idealize when the victim felt comfortable sharing and they use these things against them.
Subsequent suitors often do leave for the mere fact that they realize no matter how much love they have to give, their mates cannot understand their genuineness and they refuse to be vulnerable, shielding their inner workings, refusing to open up. Thus, a vicious cycle ensues as the once-abused tries desperately to normalize by entering into a supportive relationship only to close themselves off after a surface-level connection is formed and inadvertently push their new suitor away until this partner has no choice but to leave. They are, therefore, re-abandoned and forced into starting over – again. Again and again.
In order to effectively heal, working with a therapist to try interventions such as mindfulness-based techniques, dialectical behavioral therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, or somatic work is key. Above all, one must focus on inner healing and rediscover the pieces lost.
Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. Practice accepting the past, present, and future for exactly what they are. And, stop blaming yourself. This is so much easier said than done, but it’s a necessary step. You have to let all of the bad crap you did go and realize you were the victim of a sadistic, highly intricate and well-thought-out game from the beginning.
This game was meant to be difficult to decipher. The code was meant to be difficult to crack. Because it was, you were left guessing and trying to figure out how you can change rather than how your partner can. It left you helpless and dependent, the ultimate goal.
Refuse victimization, but slowly and surely allow others back into your space. Healing takes a healthy balance of self-reflection and support. You need both to fully understand your worth and the many blessings life has to offer.
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Check out Choosing Therapy‘s article Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome: Signs, Symptoms, & How to Get Help for more information.