Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. In fact, the emotional scars often outlast those inflicted on the body. Abusers also tend to either start the cycle with words, then things get physical, or they do both simultaneously. Rarely does one exist without the other. Those who have shared an intimate space with an abuser who uses mental, emotional, and financial tactics designed to control and manipulate understand that this person will often say one thing and mean something entirely different. Abusers have a way of wordsmithing and using certain phrases to mask their true intentions and or to gaslight their victims into total submission.
If you’ve developed post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of mental and emotional abuse, there are some phrases with which you’re likely familiar. You see, abusers are many things. They can be cold-hearted, underhanded, calculating, and, at times, very clever. However, rarely are their tactics original.
Ask yourself if any of these phrases induce a dreaded sense of déjà vu and take note of the true meaning behind each intentional slight.
I’m sorry you feel that way. Another way of saying, ‘Oh well, your loss’ or ‘Sorry, not sorry.’ Emotional abusers are adept at placing blame on others. This is a way of making you question your own perceptions or intuition. It’s a gaslighting technique designed to leave you second-guessing yourself.
You’re crazy/overreacting. Again, notice how this phrase deflects the attention from the abuser and places it on the victim instead. You’ve likely heard this so many times you actually begin to question what’s wrong with you. If something feels off, you are not crazy. You are intuitive. Trust your gut.
You have trust issues. Did you call the abuser out on something they should be ashamed of, such as a secret relationship on the side or hiding finances from you? They will easily explain away whatever it is by making it, once again, your fault. The reality of the situation is that you should have trust issues with someone who is untrustworthy. This is natural. They’ve been caught, and they don’t have any other way of distracting you from the core problem.
No one will believe you. This is often coupled with you’re so crazy or you have issues. They may even bring up past wounds if you’ve confided in them over the course of the relationship to “prove their point.” The abuser is basically trying to keep you from telling, and likely has been doing so all along by disallowing you to see loved ones, trying to convince you they all hate you anyway or they agree you’re crazy. Your loved ones may have been roped into this long ago, unknowing recipients of the same manipulative tactics you’ve come to know well. All part of the sadistic plan.
Chances are some of these phrases are familiar. Abusers borrow language from other abusers. They have no defined identity because they’ve likely been running from their true selves their whole lives. This is why it cuts so deeply when you call them out and they become enraged. They’re already fragile inside and they try desperately to mask this.
Remember to maintain your identity and trust your instincts. Past mistakes do not define you and this one won’t either. You can, and will, heal.
Break the silence, break the cycle.