A note about narcissistic control and how this differs from showing genuine concern or truly caring about a spouse. I know this sounds silly, but sometimes it’s easy to confuse unhealthy control with normal relational boundaries. It’s all in the narcissist’s delivery. Individuals with NPD are manipulative and they’re extremely skilled at asserting control in an almost passive aggressive manner that may initially come across as endearing. For instance, when you first meet this prince charming of yours, he may be in a hurry to get you to join households and/or finances. He will word his intentions in such a way that you may believe it’s because he’s genuinely in love with you and simply wants to move the relationship to the next level. You will likely blindly go along with the narcissist’s plans thinking it’s so cute that he cares about you so much. However, the truth is he’s only looking to trap you. And, the sooner he can do so, the sooner he can move out of the more challenging idealizing phase of the relationship and into his comfort zone — the devaluing phase.
The narcissist needs to sufficiently strip his victim of any sense of independence in order to move into the phase where he can reveal his true colors and assert his power more aggressively. Once you’re in the devaluing phase, the control will be more blatant. That mutual account you agreed to move all of your finances into will have auto-alerts put on it for every time you withdrawal money. The garage door of that house you purchased with him, likely under his name, will have an alert put on it so he knows whenever you leave the home. He will continually test this control and gaslight you if you show any signs of retaliating. If you want to wear a sexy outfit out, an outfit you may have chosen numerous times in the idealizing stage, he is likely to tell you this is no longer acceptable. Naturally, you’ll accuse him of being paranoid to which he’ll fire back, claiming you don’t care enough about him. This is gaslighting, and it’s all part of his efforts to maintain total control over you.
A red flag that is often overlooked until it’s too late is a need to rush a relationship to the next level. If a partner is pushing you too far outside of your comfort zone, try to step back and objectively consider his true intentions. You may be saving yourself from a total nightmare.