Being in a relationship with a narcissist is damaging, and sometimes we don’t immediately understand the depth of the damage until long after we’ve gotten the courage to leave. When we’re in the relationship, we are constantly being groomed and manipulated into serving our narcissistic partner. So, doing so becomes second nature. We are never given a moment to self-reflect, because we’re always caring for everything in the narcissist’s life – the kids, the home, the schedules, everything. We eventually operate on auto-pilot, and everything becomes routine. We never dare let our imperfections show, especially the emotional stress we routinely endure, because this would be completely unacceptable to our narcissistic mate. So, we continue on with a smile on our face all the while dying inside.
When we get the courage to leave the narcissist, it is difficult to re-examine our lives and restore our sense of self to where it was prior to the relationship. We are initially at a complete loss, and this is because we have forgotten ourselves entirely amid the unhealthy demands of our relationship. Everything we thought, did or felt while in the coupling was for the benefit of the narcissist. We forgot how to think independently. We forgot about our own enjoyment, to take the time to continue doing the things that we love doing. What are those things, anyway? We can’t even remember.
It takes a long time to regain one’s sense of self after the end of a narcissistic relationship. This is because we are used to being an extension of the narcissist, because we never had time to consider ourselves while in the relationship and because the narcissist will likely continue to hoover, inserting himself into our lives long after the fact. He doesn’t want to be forgotten. He doesn’t want to lose control. Despite moving on, likely with no transition period, to a fresh, new supply, he doesn’t want to let go. He cannot fully get what he desires from you any longer because you left, but he will try to get as much as he can, nevertheless.
The narcissist’s new mate, meanwhile, is strung along, completely unsuspecting and unaware she is a pawn in a vicious game. She serves the narcissist while he continues to call your friends, reach out to your family, or, if no one will respond, use children or other “items” to manipulate and control you. It’s not uncommon for the narcissist to become furious once you enter into a new relationship even if he has moved on to his next prey. It’s not uncommon for him to continue his tricks, calling your friends with pathological lies, trying to insert himself into the situation and destroy the new union.
Be unwilling to participate. That’s the bottom line. You won. You left. Be unwilling to continue his game and be happy you revealed the narcissist’s true colors and were strong enough to escape in the aftermath. Because you are a loving, nurturing person you may pity his newest prey, but her inability to yet see the truth is only temporary and this cannot concern you. Make sure to take moments to self-reflect and really reconnect with the person you were prior to the brainwashing. Find her again. She’s still there, it’s just a little tough to access her at first.
Take rest in knowing that you are a good person and are worth it. There will be moments when you realize you’re doing things because of the spell you were once under, a spell you believed could be immediately broken once the bond ended. You may think your captor still has control over you in some way if you discover certain behaviors haven’t changed. This is a hard fact to face. But, bad habits are hard to break. And, you may live with post-traumatic stress disorder indefinitely…also a hard fact to face. Face the facts. Remember Virginia’s famous quote in ‘The Hours’, “You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard.” Brilliant words from a brilliant mind. Take a moment to ruminate in the fact that you recognize this behavior, you recognize it as something that stemmed from your captivity and, then, actively attempt to change it. Practice, reflect, practice…repeat.