Let’s talk a little about secrecy and the narcissist’s need to maintain secrets about everything. Two very common and interrelated traits of classic narcissists are their need to maintain control by pushing boundaries and rule breaking. Individuals who engage in this type of shady behavior obviously need to be good secret keepers. As far as rule breaking is concerned, narcissists enjoy bending convention rule systems in everything from mundane, everyday happenings to more important, game-changing life circumstances. For instance, he may be stealing office supplies from work. Or, he may be engaging in a sexual relationship with multiple women. Institutional boundaries, such as marriage, mean nothing to the narcissist. His job means nothing. Instead, the fact that others see him as a married, successful person is what matters. And, in order to maintain this facade, the narcissist needs to keep secrets.
Interestingly, the secrets do not stop with the termination of the relationship. If one gets the courage to leave the narcissist once and for all, but for some reason needs to maintain contact with him (such as in the case of split custody of children), the narcissist will continue to attempt to maintain control over this individual by keeping secrets from him or her. Namely, the other person he had secretly been having an intimate relationship with during the marriage will remain allusive even after divorce. Keeping this person unidentifiable by the ex-spouse accomplishes two things– One, the narcissist will ensure this new target and the ex never meet. Everything he’s told her about his once-spouse is false and the two meeting would completely blow his cover. And, two, he knows the person he had children with would like to know who is with their kids. This is intuitive to most parents. By not discussing this person and ensuring the ex never meets her, he believes he’s still in control.
Remember, you’ve removed yourself from his toxicity. This is what is most important. And, he can no longer control you no matter how hard he may try. It’s a sad situation, because the kids are the ones who are stuck in the middle and they are the ones who suffer.
Maintain no contact as much as possible. And, don’t worry yourself too much about who is with your kids. He found you first, and narcissists are attracted to a certain type. They are attracted to especially empathetic, caring, nurturing individuals. Be THANKFUL for this person’s presence, not resentful, and know the narcissist will need to continue pretending to be a great person in order to trap this new person. So, he will be on his best behavior…at least for a while.