Narcissists are egotistical self-ingratiating beings. But, they aren’t self-ingratiating because they are overly confident with themselves. At least not at the core. Narcissists are self-ingratiating because they carry with them a deep-seated internal self-hatred that they desperately hope to conceal to the public. The narcissist is well-aware of this self-hatred and the trauma that has created it. However, she may only be aware at a somewhat subconscious level. The narcissist has gone to great lengths to develop a false personality, which is more comfortable than what is lurking underneath. He has nurtured this false image, brought it to life and continually ensures it’s as believable as possible. He has given the fake facade so much attention, in fact, that he has allowed himself to forget about his less-liked self.
There are various ways in which a narcissist will feed his alter ego and display self-ingratiating qualities:
1 – Exaggeration: Narcissists tend to exaggerate their accomplishments, overstate wealth or otherwise make themselves appear superior to others by lying and manipulating.
2- Possessions: Narcissists will accumulate possessions to flaunt their status whether or not they actually have the means to support a lavish lifestyle. And, they will fish out funds any way possible to maintain their public persona, even engaging in criminal activity or using others for financial stability. By accumulating things, the narcissist hopes in vain to fill the painful void within.
3 – Control: The narcissist will ensure her false facade is “working”, and that she is being held to a superior level in the eyes of others by exerting control at all times, especially to those in the narcissist’s intimate space.
4 – Abuse: Narcissists are emotional abusers. They manipulate and lie to maintain control. If the narcissist’s alter ego or under-handed tactics are at any time questioned, or the narcissist feels, even momentarily, out of control, he is likely to also use physical abuse to regain compliance.
Spotting a tendency to self-ingratiate, even if subtle, early on in a relationship and choosing to walk away can save a victim from significant turmoil. Unfortunately, one must be intuitive enough to see through the act. And, even then, the narcissist will retaliate if she is called out and narcissistic injury persists, likely prompting the narcissist to hold on to the victim at all costs. Staying cool, calm and collected, and going no contact without confrontation is key to walking away unscathed.