Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards, so you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. – Steve Jobs
When an individual is victimized by an abuser, this solicits a number of potential responses, a few more common than others. I have termed this reaction “The Victim Response”. I’ve been thinking quite a lot about this phenomenon lately after having reached somewhat of an epiphany regarding one such individual and in considering the vast number of ways a victim might cry out for help.
I have been approached by many abuse survivors or friends and family members of abuse survivors as well as those currently trapped in detrimental situations looking for a way out, and it’s has always been my hope that any information I provide is somewhat useful. This is my journey. I want to help others feel empowered enough to leave toxic situations. I feel blessed that others have confided in me and see me as a resource, and I will forever wish to save each and every person who is brave enough to come forward, and especially those who aren’t, even though I know I really can’t.
This person had responded to her situation in an especially peculiar manner, though, and despite all of my research, my own personal experiences, education, and the experiences others have shared, I just couldn’t wrap my head around her behavior. She really sent my thoughts swirling. At first, I couldn’t figure her out at all. Then, as she began to indirectly attempt to connect, I started to hypothesize about the situation a bit more. What was she thinking? What was on her mind? Why was she doing the things she was? And, of course, how can I help?
Only recently was I able to confirm some of my assumptions about why she approached the situation the way she had, and once I was able to do so, I just knew I had to share for several reasons. One, I hope it’s helpful to others who feel trapped, need for someone to hear them, but are too scared to directly cry out. I hope it helps them realize they are not alone. Two, I hope this will help family members and friends who believe a loved one is in a dangerous situation and wants to confide in them but is too afraid to do so, and finally, maybe it will also aid counselors and therapists who are working with these individuals.
Even if a victim is brave enough to seek professional help, most of the time, they refuse to address the abuse. Even if the therapist asks them about it bluntly and directly in an effort to relieve some the difficulty of bringing up the topic, they won’t. They normally seek help to manage ancillary problems, such as anxiety or depression. Or, they seek help because they are constantly being told they are crazy and need it by their abuser – i.e., they are being gaslighted. They typically either don’t tell their captor they are getting treatment, or the abuser closely monitors every interaction and outcome, so they do not open up as they should.
As I am writing this, I am pursuing a career in clinical mental health counseling, and I have devoted my life to becoming an advocate and voice to those who suffer in silence. As such, however, I am well-aware of the ethical implications of this field and the delicate balance we maintain somewhere between calling out abusers and “saving” victims and empowering victims to save themselves.
In this particular situation, the victim, at first, seemed to want nothing to do with me. She avoided any interaction with me entirely and to the extreme. Let’s just say, hypothetically, suppose your ex remarried (very quickly) and you two have minor children together. Your children are now being raised by this couple part of the time. In most cases, there will be some kind of interaction – out of necessity, or obligation, or even just the mutual love and respect for the children you’re raising.
But, what if this person consistently went out of their way to avoid you? What would you think? Maybe your mind would, at first, assume she had been told a multitude of lies about you that would easily cause her to distrust and dislike you. After all, you know the person you left very, very well. Too well. She doesn’t know him this well…yet. You know this is his forté. So, perhaps you simply trust that she’ll steady the waters for a while, and that’s a good thing, right? You pray the idealize stage is longer this time around.
As time goes by, do you grow more and more concerned, however, that you don’t know this person who is living with your kids at all? That you’re trusting your own flesh and blood to be in that house with them and have no idea what makes this person tick? When there is every reason for you to have had at least happenstance encounter, do you grow worried that you still have to get “approval” for the kids to be exchanged whenever your ex cannot be present? That you literally have to call your ex and wait for his okay for her to release them from the house if he’s not home?
Now, do you begin to believe she’s avoided you because she’s not allowed to interact with you? That she’s going through the same hell you did? Do you turn a blind eye, because, well…it’s easier?
What if one day she started to make things for the kids to take into your home during these exchanges, to keep—presents addressed to you? And, you still have not met this person. Have never seen her. She’s still hiding. Time and again, you are presented with gifts. Nice, hand-crafted things most of the time. Always “from the kids”. But, always far too advanced for the kids to make themselves, or at all, with a “to and from” tag in her writing?
Then, as if this wasn’t mind-bending enough, let’s say your parents even start receiving gifts. Yes, that’s right, hand-crafted items for their home. And, they’ve never met her. No one has. There is still absolutely no direct contact.
Do you laugh it off? Shake your head, muttering that she’s just nutso while taking each gift to the pile of others stacked in a far corner of your home? Or, does your empathy-o-meter spike and you think she’s trying to contact you but can’t? Maybe she’s reaching out?
What if she does other strange things, too, like does the children’s school projects for your ex when they bring things home while they’re there, but does not follow directions – like, at all – so they don’t receive good grades or ribbons because their work is so far off-base? Do you stick with the assumption that she’s crazy, or do you think that she probably really is trying and just doesn’t know better? So, perhaps, he has found his perfect prey after all? Someone who doesn’t know any better?
Now, let’s say, you finally, after years, run into her. Only because there’s absolutely no avoiding it this time, from her perspective, you’d imagine. And, even though your children are elated, want to introduce you, and want to feel it’s okay that you are interacting, she looks down at her shoes nervously when you smile at her, refusing to make eye contact, refusing to speak.
At the same time you approach only to be left in limbo, out of curiosity and a strong desire to connect the dots, you glance over your shoulder to see your ex, his eyes piercing in her direction, a menacing look on his face – a look you remember all too well. It sends familiar shivers up your spine. This is, as a friend once described it, that “deer in the headlights, aggressive” stare that signifies narcissistic wrath. And, that’s all you needed to see. In that moment, the darkness is finally lifted, and everything is clear.
But, what do you do?
The answer is – nothing. The pattern-like behavior of pathological narcissists is so predictable, well-researched and documented, it’s been identified as a clinical behavioral disorder. You cannot stop the pattern and you cannot help a victim who cannot help themselves.
One of the most predictable things that narcissists do is immediately seek out a new victim to sucker into the idealize stage once you’ve escaped and gone no contact. They cannot be alone, and they will move very quickly to trap their next prey. They are serial couplers. And, they only know how to repeat their tried and true patterns. This means, despite all outward appearances, the new target will experience the same stages you were brave enough to free yourself from. It’s only a matter of time.
So, as an ex-victim of emotional rape (thank you to another friend who passed this along), you cannot do anything other than pray she is brave enough to look up from her shoes and take back her life. And, of course, always, always be thankful you did and never looked back.
I wanted to tell you…I had the clearest vision of you. You were standing at the edge of a cliff, contemplating the jump. You looked down for a long time, thinking, weighing your options. Wondering how you had ever gotten to that point. Then you shook your head, turned around and walked away, never looking back. – A Friend Who Helped, but Couldn’t Save
Walk away and never look back. Break the silence, break the cycle. Please share.