Let’s touch on the steps that should be taken to leave a narcissist once you’re certain you’ve spent enough time developing an escape plan. This means you’ve determined exactly when and how you plan to leave and have told those you can confide in without having to worry about your partner finding out. Sometimes this also means you’ve involved shelters or support groups, and have ensured you have a bag packed and stored at wherever you plan to head. Unfortunately, when leaving a true pathological narcissist, anything is possible, and you can never be too careful. As they say, dot all “i’s” and cross all “t’s”.
Once all of these preliminary measures are finally in place, it is time to hit the road. Here are some of the steps you can take to help ensure you escape safely and successfully, and stay gone regardless of how tough it may be in the aftermath:
One – Just go.
You must immediately cut all ties with the narcissist when you ultimately decide to leave. This means you cannot engage in long, drawn-out goodbyes or maintain a direct line of communication with your partner in any way. No in-person meetups, phone calls or texts, period.
I once knew a very intuitive woman who was able to identify she was being mistreated by a narcissist by her self-directed online research, and when she decided she was done, she was done. Although she had been married to this man for several years, she packed a bag one day and hid it at a family member’s. She left while he was at work and never returned. It may sound crazy, but this is the best, and certainly, the least damaging, way to leave an abuser. It’s obviously more difficult to cut all ties when the relationship needs to be dissolved legally, and she is still married to this person. But, nevertheless, she is safe.
Two – Modify your social media.
In today’s world, many of us are interconnected over the Web with multiple social media accounts and those that may serve other personal and professional purposes. Therefore, it’s vital to examine your online portfolio and determine what needs to be changed in order to ensure your former partner cannot contact you, or in the most extreme cases, won’t find you at all. This may mean blocking or deleting mutual friends from your lists, adjusting your privacy settings, or leaving some sites entirely if you simply do not feel safe. You can also type your name into various search engines and research what information is available. This may be shocking, but thankfully, if there are details that are publicly accessible and you’d like them to be removed, most sites now have an option to report this or a button providing an easy way to “take your name off the list”.
Three – Manage your mind.
The most important thing you can do as an abuse survivor is stay committed to yourself and your recovery. Narcissistic abuse can be extremely damaging – mentally, emotionally and physically. Even if you consider yourself a strong, independent, clear-minded person, this type of abuse consists of mind-numbing manipulation and subtle yet very purposeful and deeply hurtful methods designed to trap and control victims. Narcissists are known to be masters of the “just-enough” – they will physically harm you just enough to get their point across without having to worry about criminal consequences. In fact, everything a narcissist does is designed to hover just below the radar of explicit or obvious, and this is what makes narcissistic abuse so difficult for even the victim to pinpoint until it’s too late. There are rarely immediately obvious warning signs or red flags, even if one knows intuitively “something it off.”
Once you leave, spend some time alone reconnecting with the self that was lost. Rediscover what makes you happy – what makes you, you. It is not uncommon to believe you enjoy certain things you know your partner does, or have certain viewpoints you know your partner holds. While you may both genuinely like the same things or hold the same beliefs, rarely is anything in the narcissist’s world genuine. It is more likely that you’ve been gaslighted and need to spend some time reevaluating your own values without the narcissist breathing down your neck.
It can be especially useful to note all of the reasons why you left your partner, journaling accounts with as much detail as possible, so you will always remember who this individual is and what they’ve done regardless of any attempts to lure you back. While the wounds are still fresh, document the details, so you are more likely to remember the raw emotions felt in re-reading these as time passes. The goal should be get to a point in which you can read the words and realize, without any remorse or regret, that you said enough is enough, and instead, be filled the joy and relief of reinstated self-love.
Four – Stay busy.
The mind is a fragile thing and it is a well-documented fact that those in recovery from substances and abuse can effectively find solace in keeping themselves busy. This may mean you re-engage in certain social groups that you had distanced yourself from while you were being victimized. You may take up a hobby you were forced to set aside. Maybe you’re a writer ready to pen your journey. Maybe you’re a gifted speaker hoping to help others heal. Whatever it is, go at it no holds barred. Narcissistic abuse is riddled with restriction, suffocation, and isolation. You’re free now – free! Let that sink in a moment, then go for it!
The steps above are not sequential nor all-encompassing. You may need to revisit them time and again, adding in other pieces that help you heal. Find what works for you. It’s all about you now – embrace this without guilt, shame or contention, and go live the life you deserve!
Break the silence. Break the cycle. Please share.