How far will pathological narcissists go in devalue and discard? Is there a certain threshold that, if reached, the narcissist will actually agree that enough is enough and finally leave a victim alone?
The mind-numbing answer to this question is – it all depends. There are some factors that will influence a narcissist during these phases, however. Let’s take a closer look.
- What does the narcissist have to lose? Narcissists are all about acquiring power and property. If there is a lot of property between the two of you, it will be more difficult to sever ties. This is why married victims must carefully plan their escape long before they voice their intentions. While it’s fairly common that victims will have lost access to the couple’s finances long before a separation, depending on the length and extent of the partnership, there will still be some things the narcissist could be forced to leave behind. Since, in the mind of a narcissist, losing a piece of furniture is equivalent to losing a limb, this will be especially difficult to swallow, and a single piece of furniture may cause him to draw out the process.
- How many eyes will be on him? Narcissists have a hard time losing control. They have an especially hard time losing control in public. A narcissist will do anything possible to not look bad to others despite how victims are treated behind closed doors. If he has to make his exit in an indiscreet way, he will be more apt to linger longer.
- Is there shared property? Not just an RV or a vacation home. Are there minor children involved? If so, they will quickly become bargaining chips the narcissist will use to maintain control over the victim. He may have never shown any interest in the children’s welfare while you two were “happily” living under one roof. Now, suddenly, amid the break up, he’s at every sporting event, taking them to Sunday school, and scheduling playdates. Losing access to the kids means losing access to you. And, he must prove he is the better parent to counterbalance what you’ll inevitably say about him in the court proceedings. Again, it’s all about saving face.
- Is there someone else? This is two-fold. If you have someone new, the narcissist will immediately go into full competition mode and try everything possible to prove he is the better option (likely, after some emotional and/or physical abuse). He may lash out at you for seeing someone else, then suddenly flip a switch and turn on his romantic side. He may buy you things, open doors, or make a meal for the first time in years. This is meant to confuse you and convince you that he is everything you always wanted in a partner. It’s meant to make you believe he is actually everything he pretended to be in the initial idealize stage. It’s not uncommon for a narcissist to make mental notes about what you look for in a mate, become absolutely determined to never fulfill these needs during devalue and discard (a method of control), then suddenly, in the grand finale discard phase, once again “become” your dream partner. Temporarily, of course. He was never the person he pretended to be in idealize and he will never be.
Should the narcissist have a new target in mind, he may discard you more quickly to focus on his new supply. However, victims can expect the narcissist to hoover, randomly returning here and there to test his control over prior supply. And, there is the possibility of the narcissist extending the discard phase in order to prove to this new individual he’s a great dad, was a loving partner, etc. Best case scenario, a new mate takes his attention away from you and you can more readily escape. Again, it depends.
Whatever the narcissist’s intentions or methods of abuse, and however long it takes to get to the other side, the important thing for victims to know is they can escape. It is extremely difficult to leave a narcissist unscathed, but a new life is possible. The victim must summon every ounce of inner courage and strength to move away from the abuser and start over. Knowledge is power.
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