Shame is a hard emotion to carry and one in which no one wants to feel. Often, when it creeps to the surface, we have to make amends with others and do some extensive internal work to rid our energy field of negativity. But it is important to remember that we’re all human, we all make mistakes, and we can heal. Harboring unaddressed shame is unhealthy and it needs to be acknowledged and released.
What happens if we don’t address shame in a healthy manner? For starters, it’s important to note that suppressing this emotion only affects the person suppressing it. By trying to compartmentalize it in some deep recess of the mind, ensuring it stays hidden, we only induce guilt, particularly when confronted about the shameful act.
Choosing to lie intensifies shame.
Secondly, projecting shame onto others is a natural defense mechanism likely to be employed amid suppressive acts. The brain believes that if we can illuminate fault in others rather than admit to our own shortcomings the shame will somehow disappear. Yet, the heart knows better, and it will always demonstrate this. Each time shame is deflected onto others, it breaks. And, this is the sting of guilt felt by avoiding integrity. Eventually the sting will become all-consuming and unbearable. When it does, it is not uncommon for an individual to engage in self-destructive behaviors.
There is a saying that comes to mind here: Three things cannot long be hidden – the sun, the moon, and the truth. So, one way or another the truth is going to surface. What ultimately matters is everything that has occurred between the shameful act or event and the point in which the truth is revealed. If there is little time between the two because an individual has chosen to freely admit to his or her faults, healing is more readily facilitated. If, however, there has been a treasure trove of untruths and projective tactics carried out in between, it will be much more difficult to let go of residual negativity. What’s more, trust will be lost, and any recipients of projection, manipulation, and lies are likely to cut ties altogether. If loved ones walk away for good, residual shame is likely to linger indefinitely.
The point is, projecting shame onto others or trying to trap it in a rarely accessed area of self is not sustainable. The truth has a way of revealing itself regardless of how difficult it is to face. Suppressing shame is like harboring resentment. It is unhealthy and only affects the individual carrying its weight. The long-term effects of doing so include depression, anxiety, and even psychopathology. We often see shame suppression in those with Cluster B personality disorders.
Is it really worth not telling the truth? Releasing shame may be temporarily painful but can literally save you from eternal unease and heart break. If someone is confronting you, take this as a blessing in disguise. Their persistence offers an opportunity for dialogue and discussing it with others may provide some much-needed perspective around why it’s there to begin with so it can be released once and for all.
Break the silence. Break the cycle.