If you are stuck in a toxic relationship and believe your partner is being abusive, it is important to recognize the cycle, which is comprised of four distinct stages which repeat over and over again. Understanding this cycle can help you make a definitive determination regarding whether the situation you’re in is dangerous and detrimental to your health.
Stage one involves the build up of tension and stress. Something upsets the abuser and the relationship becomes strained. This person will become passive aggressive about their feelings or outwardly hateful and mean. Communication may become especially difficult during this time with the abuser outright withholding it and the abused avoiding it, fearful of inciting another argument. The victim may purposely alter their behavior to the best of their ability, so the abuser doesn’t explode.
But this is inevitable.
Because this tension will only mount with communication lacking and the abused cannot stray from their own thoughts, behaviors, and actions for very long, eventually they will do something that will enrage the aggressor and this person will lash out, targeting the victim’s physical, mental, and/or emotional health. Often, they try to hit all three.
The cycle has effectively moved into the second stage where an incident of abuse occurs. Traditionally, it was thought the cycle only pertained to physical abuse, but this has since been expanded to include all forms. Regardless, the abuser’s reaction is particularly hurtful and difficult to shake.
Then, they will apologize.
After some time, the assailant will apologize for their actions and a honeymoon phase will ensue. The victim wants to believe the person they love did not mean to cause them harm. They want to believe they’re truly sorry, move on, and hope it never happens again (like they’ve been told). The abusive individual will seem genuinely remorseful during this third stage and will often go out of their way to please the person they’ve hurt. They may bring home flowers or gifts, take their partner out, or spend extra time with them.
The relationship will naturally enter the fourth and final stage. The victim feels at peace again in the relationship. Everything is calm and both parties appear to be content. The victim believes the abuser has “changed” for the good and they have nothing to worry about.
However, this is always temporary.
The cycle will repeat again – over and over again, until the victim says enough is enough and leaves. It can become an infinite pattern if the victim chooses to stay. Of course, there are many factors which contribute to this cycle occurring for far too long in most cases, including symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome and battered women’s syndrome.
Abuse is never okay. If you believe you are stuck in the cycle of abuse, get help immediately.
Break the silence. Break the cycle.