The term “narcissistic abuse” was originally developed to define the emotional abuse of a child living with the wrath of a narcissistic parent. In this scenario, the parent requires the child to give up his or her own wants and emotional well-being early on in order to satisfy the wants and needs of the parent. Essentially, in a twisted game, the child is made to let go of his or her own self-esteem to support the esteem of a parental figure.
Children who mature in narcissistic households are highly likely to develop codependent traits that will draw them to narcissists in romantic partnerships later in life. These individuals are subconsciously attracted to the narcissistic personality. They’ve never known what constitutes a “normal” relationship.
A “narcissistic person tends to seek out a successful (independent, educated, and attractive) and empathetic partner in order to gain admiration of own attributes and feelings of power and control.” In other words, narcissists seek out individuals who society perceives to be “the best of the best” not because they genuinely fall in love with their subjects, but because, in partnering with them, the narcissist further elevates his or her own sense of self. They believe their own image is made better by engaging in relationships with successful and beautiful mates.
If a mate happens to have codependent tendencies, the narcissist has struck gold. It doesn’t get any better in their twisted mind. This is because codependent individuals are more susceptible to participating in the narcissist’s sadistic game. They are least likely to reject their partner after discovering they are there only to serve the narcissist and help him or her maintain a perfect false façade. When gaslighted, codependent individuals, despite being successful, intelligent, good-looking or whatever else, will believe the hurtful words of their partner. They will believe that they are unworthy and incapable of living productively without the narcissist.
This self-doubt developed in the codependent early in life. It had become second-nature and ingrained in the victim long before the narcissistic partner targeted them. It’s more comfortable for the codependent, in fact, to believe they need to serve another individual in order to feel whole than to realize they are fully capable, with all of their wonderful qualities, to live productively on their own or as part of a healthy relationship.
The victim will inevitably undergo a vicious cycle of idealize, devalue and discard with the narcissistic partner. Only in idealize will the narcissist seemingly put this individual on a pedestal, pointing out all of their positive traits. Victims will be praised for their achievements, told they’re beautiful. They will likely feel the most adequate they’ve after felt in this stage, as if they were actually worthy (perhaps for the first time ever).
Then, just like that, it’s over…
Unfortunately, this is no more than smoke and mirrors. The narcissist never intends to remain in the initial stage. It is always his or her intention to stay just long enough to completely trap the victim. Once this is accomplished, the relationship quickly moves into the devalue stage. Suddenly, the complements decrease, then stop entirely and are replaced with criticism. The victim can do nothing right.
If codependent, the victim will immediately be wheeled them to the initial trauma and shame that surfaced long ago. The narcissist’s abuse will only solidify what they’ve known all along – they are worthless and undeserving of the narcissist’s love. Of anyone’s love, really. And, they will desperately begin to support their mate in all of his endeavors. He feels they need to move – they move. He feels she needs to stay home – she quits her job. Whatever the narcissist wants, he gets. Little by little, every ounce of independence is stripped until the victim is sure she is not whole without her captor.
But, the narcissist isn’t finished. The game is never finished. Eventually, because the victim no longer has any sense of self or well-being, feels as if she can only jump when prompted, she will become anxious and depressed. And, this is completely and entirely unacceptable to the narcissist. Just when it seems as if the abuser has gotten everything he wished for by transforming the victim into a mindless puppet, he will claim the initial beauty that drew him in has disappeared. The victim is rendered useless and must be discarded.
This is the stark reality of what will inevitably happen if one chooses to enter into a relationship with a narcissist. If codependent, it’s a cycle that will likely repeat itself over and over again, because it’s always inevitable that the narcissist will discard and highly probable the codependent will fall for the idealization game again and again.
Victims need help before it’s too late. Break the silence. Break the cycle. Please share.