If you suffer from abuse-induced PTSD, you may have gotten very used to walking on eggshells in an abusive environment, feeling as if you could not say or do anything without being reprimanded or criticized. Often, those who struggle with symptoms of PTSD after leaving an abusive home – whether the abuser was a significant other or a parent/caregiver – carry irrational fears and this inability to let their guard down long after they’ve escaped. They feel as if they will be ridiculed for everything they do, and this often keeps survivors from re-entering into partnerships or even making efforts to socialize at all outside of the home. They continue to isolate, and in doing so, never really escape the trauma that has physically ceased.
How can you get your confidence back?
How can you regain your space and feel comfortable interacting with others again? It’s a debilitating thing to feel as if you cannot trust your own judgement or that everything you do is wrong or not good enough. But, regaining your confidence and the ability to trust others is a significant step in the healing journey.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy can help.
There is a CBT technique that’s used which asks you to consider the worst possible scenario in any given situation you’re fearful of entering into and then consider how likely that is to actually happen. For example, say you’re invited to a company banquet. You want to go, but your fears are holding you back. You’re too worried that what you chose to wear will be inappropriate, you’ll say the wrong thing, or those you’ll be socializing with will secretly mock you behind your back. How can you restructure this cause and effect relationship in your mind, so you can confidently attend?
Let’s say, worst case scenario, you show up in business casual while everyone else is elegantly dressed, so you feel immediately out of place. Then, you spill red wine on your slacks midway through because you’re so nervous talking to your colleagues outside of work. You have to leave early, and snickering and pointing fingers follow you to the door.
Let’s restructure this. How likely is it that you will be underdressed? Not at all likely. Not only do you have the details of the invite in hand ahead of time, but you’ll likely have a few days to discuss dress with your co-workers prior to the event. Will you spill red wine? Not if you choose to avoid it. It’s nearly impossible to spill a drink you don’t even have. Opt for water. If you spill your water on you, will your coworkers talk about you behind your back? Probably not. These are people you see all the time. They know you, and they’re going to see you again. Chances are better that someone will come to your aid with an extra napkin and a helping hand.
See how easy it can be to dissect all of the worries that cross your mind one by one and eliminate your worst fears? An abuser in your intimate space made you feel worthless, unloved, useless. This individual placed doubts in your mind so they could attempt to secure total control over you.
But, they didn’t. Because you didn’t let them win. You left.
So, stop allowing this individual to speak to you internally. Separate yourself from your inner critic and place this piece of self aside, imagining it as a foreign entity that needs to be cast way once and for all. You were not born with this voice, it was instilled in you. Therefore, because it is not part of you, you have the power to say goodbye to it once and for all.
Practice this CBT technique as often as is needed, and gradually – slowly, but surely – place yourself into situations that you want to be in but that seem a bit uncomfortable. Watch your worst fears dissipate before your eyes. The more you do this and the more you train your mind to be more optimistic, the easier it will become.
Break the silence, break the cycle.